Sam Dailey (Feedback Defensiveness)
Leadership coach Sam Daly explains how defensiveness can block effective feedback, identifying three key triggers: truth (disagreement), identity (conflicting self-perception), and...
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What Are Identity Triggers and How Can We Respond to Them?
The second form of triggers and of defensiveness are identity triggers. Identity triggers are when we receive feedback and it conflicts with how we see ourselves as a person, so we reject it on those grounds. Identity triggers are particularly strong and disruptive. Now, the way to overcome an identity trigger is to have a growth mindset, both when you're giving feedback and when you're receiving feedback, to have a growth mindset. When you're giving feedback. Avoid using generic labels about people. Use words like opportunities and challenges to talk about ways people can grow. Rather than labelling who they are today or thinking about who they were yesterday. Believe in the opportunity for their growth for yourself to have a growth mindset. Don't see feedback as a threat to the person that you are today because you are not a fixed person today. See feedback as an opportunity to grow into the person that you want to become tomorrow.
What Are Relationship Triggers and How Should We Navigate Them?
The third and final form of trigger are relationship triggers. Relationship triggers are when we reject feedback, not on the content of the feedback itself, but because of the relationship between ourselves and the feedback giver. Relationship triggers can be really disruptive, and the way to overcome them as a feedback giver is to build healthy feedback relationships, which takes time. Focus on trust, and before entering a feedback conversation, ask yourself, how will this person hear this feedback coming from me and from me in particular, and how can I make sure that they hear it well when you're receiving feedback, the way to overcome relationship triggers is to separate the content of the feedback from the person that's giving you the feedback and the relationship. And you can have these as two separate conversations if you'd like. Try to focus on the feedback itself first and the content of what they're saying, knowing that in the future you can address your relationship concerns with them. You can give them feedback.
What Are Truth Triggers and How Can We Overcome Them?
The first form of defensiveness are truth triggers. Truth triggers are when we get triggered because we disagree with the feedback that's being given. We think to ourselves, no, that's not true, and because it's not true, I don't need to deal with it. It can't help me grow. Now, the way to overcome truth triggers is to use really specific language when you're giving feedback, not to assign labels to people, but to use subjective language. You can use phrases like, well, what I've noticed is, and then talk about the person's exact behaviour. That way you're giving your version of the truth when you're receiving feedback. The way to overcome the truth triggers is to move from wrong spotting, which is looking at what's wrong with feedback to difference spotting, which is looking at what's different between your perspective and the person who's giving feedback's perspective with differences. You can resolve the differences over time. If you're looking for right and wrong, there's no way of resolving that. So focus on differences rather than right and wrong, and you'll help overcome truth triggers.