Kaitlyn Bruneau (Solving Family Conflict)
Navigating family conflict can be tough, especially in parent-child relationships. This video, led by a licensed clinical social worker, explores common sources of tension, includi...
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How Can Healthy Communication Improve Family Interactions?
Healthy communication skills can be a great way to balance out any tension or home behaviours that are contributing to the tension on the surface. This may just be being mindful of how you communicate, such as your volume taking turns, refraining from name calling or blaming, et cetera. However, a lot of healthy communication with families goes a little deeper as it attempts to navigate differences from one another and promote a better sense of understanding or boundary setting. One skill that I really love is the validate and advocate skill. With this, you first recognise where the other person is coming from or the efforts they made, and then follow it up with a request for what you need in that moment for what you are advocating for. For example, if you are looking to set boundaries around your desire for autonomy and parents' advice giving, you might first validate, I can really tell how much you care and want to help with your suggestions. Thank you. Then advocate. But would it be okay if going forward you ask permission before giving me advice? I'm really working on building my own autonomy and confidence in my decision making. A lot of healthy communication with families can be slow moving as you work to better understand one another and weed out any potential for miscommunication, assumptions and mind reading. If a conversation does not go well at first, that's okay. Planting a seed and later watering it can still be fruitful, and you can definitely take time to be proud of any time that you are checking in with and advocating for your needs.
What If Nothing Changes Despite My Efforts?
Despite efforts with these skills, sometimes change in understanding is not accessible. No matter how many healthy communication skills you employ, this is where acceptance may also come in. Try to notice if you are spending a lot of time or energy trying to change your family, inevitably creating more conflict. If this does not seem like it is going to work, are you able to accept them for who they are and still have a meaningful relationship? It's important to take time to think about what you need in your life and how your family relationships fit into that. You are allowed to choose how much, how little, or in what ways you engage with family. Sometimes we have to set difficult boundaries in order to reduce conflict and protect our own mental health, but it does not need to be all or nothing. Try to promote a type of relationship with your family that allows a healthy balance of everyone's needs.
Where Does Family Conflict Typically Come From?
Attention and conflict in families can come from a variety of different places, especially with parent-child relationships. We are often impacted by changing dynamics in roles in different generational experiences. One example I see a lot is of parents struggling to adjust to their adult children's needs, such as not wanting as much advice or guidance as they get older. This can be tough because for the first years of a child's life, parents wear their guiding light and often look to for advice. When our roles change in families such as like this, sometimes it can leave tension in its wake. Conflict can also arise in families due to differences in experiences and values. We do not choose our family of origin, and that may mean that our families are made up of people who think or act differently than us. Many individuals may also struggle to feel understood or accepted by their families leading to a further rift. However, these are just some of the common areas of conflict and it's okay if they do or do not resonate with you as many of the tools can be helpful regardless.